Ever since I started diving deeper into my soul, via my most intense Dark Night of The Soul (DNOTS) [a form of ego-death] in 2017, I have had an extremely driven “go-getter” attitude about healing.
I researched, read, listened, watched, discussed, experienced, cried, journaled, tried and failed, cried some more, tried and succeeded while pushing through day after day. It has been a huge priority.
Oftentimes it felt like an uphill battle.
For so long, I was so hard on myself that I wasn’t healing faster and that I was so fucked up. I used to get so pissed at myself, calling myself horrible things and getting so impatient with not being “healed” already. Impatient with not learning lessons fast enough and continuing to f*** up and make “mistakes.”
Part of why I was so motivated to rush through it is because I felt I had a carrot dangling on a string in front of me, always just out of reach. To put it in as few words as possible, the carrot was a divine counterpart/deep soul connection of sorts that I so desperately wanted (back).
But every ugly cry was a release, a breakdown into my darkest depths, which always led to light at the end of the tunnel.
It became almost addicting, facing death, because of the intense breakthroughs that came after. I expanded into yet more heart opening and unconditional love which felt amazing.
But the preliminary spiral downward would often hit a point where I often wanted the pain to go away so badly that I would end up telling the universe, just take me already, thinking the pain alone could actually kill me. And that’s always exactly the moment clarity would come, the surrender point.
Eventually I became rather comfortable with this pattern. Spiraling into hell, release, and a realization point, followed by bliss.
And eventually, with the help of Ekhart Tolle’s teachings, I didn’t need to spiral so much anymore.
I became more present, more aware, and would catch the pattern earlier. I was taking control of my mind rather than letting my mind take control of me.
Additionally, by that point I had released the bulk of my unresolved trauma. After years of crying, venting, journaling, pondering, spiraling.
But all of these ups and downs were still EXHAUSTING. It was like this for almost 4 years.
The carrot dangled on.
Eventually, I hit a point where my awareness became so great that everything mellowed out, peace became my default, and an understanding that everything is perfect took over. The vibration of unconditional love began to permeate most of my experience. All coinciding in divine timing, as everything does.
However, I still operated with the belief though that in order to keep getting “better”, growing, and stepping out of my comfort zone, things had to be deeply uncomfortable. And that scared the shit out of me.
Until I had a breakthrough EFT (tapping) session where I suddenly realized that healing and growth didn’t HAVE to be terrifyingly uncomfortable. I could enjoy the process and take steps that were not a complete shock to my system yet would still facilitate my expansion.
That allowed me to have even more compassion and patience for myself and gratitude for where I was currently at, even if it wasn’t where I “wanted” to be.
Healing doesn’t have to suck. It doesn’t have to be a daunting AF or seemingly impossible task. The journey can be enjoyable, if you choose to see it that way.
One of my favorite quotes is “success is a journey, not a destination” and the same goes for healing.
I learned to enjoy the process and relish in the sheer act of growth, for I know that it is truly a journey of opening my heart to myself and the world and what a wonderful journey that is to be on.
Yes, there is discomfort, yes there are enough ugly cries to fill a few lakes, yes there is spiraling into victim mode, but there is also awareness, epiphanies, love, and peace.
And it’s all equally beautiful.
As it came to me during one of my Ayahuasca ceremonies, one must walk through the fire in order to get to the bliss.
To get to the light, we must be willing to face the darkness.
Oh and the carrot dangling in front of me? Turns out what I was searching for was inside of me all along… (more on that later.)
Enjoy the ride, fellow earthlings. For we are here in these particular meatsuits only once.
Love,
Bri ❤️
#healing #love #awakeningjourney #bliss #unconditionallove #peace #raisingconsciousness #healingjourney #growth #enjoytheride
