Disclaimer: This article has been transferred from its original location on my previous blog, Infinite Love Tribe. Originally published January 2020.
My Story
I have journeyed back to myself over the last 29 years and let me tell you, it’s been one hell of a ride.
I like to think we all incarnate as pure souls, or ‘relatively’ pure based on your beliefs about past lives and such. Maybe more like a kind of clean slate for this life, anyway.
Anyway, as a kid, I became conditioned negatively which added ‘unnecessary’ and corrupted files to my subconscious programming.
I grew up in a household with caregivers who demonstrated narcissistic traits. This taught me that my opinions weren’t valid, being sensitive was ‘weak’, it was bad to express my ‘weird’ self, and anything I did wasn’t good enough. There was no real communication.
Additionally, I was often blamed for many of the ‘problems’ that were going on and was in the middle of a tug-of-war between my immediate family members. I was the definite black sheep and scapegoat of the family, emotionally mature and wondering how they didn’t seem to see the utter dysfunction. It was difficult to take the hypocritical adults around me seriously because their words and actions did not match up or make sense.
My survival/coping mechanisms became over-giving, changing myself/giving up myself to please others, codependency, and needing external validation to make me feel worthy and complete.
Eventually I left the situation but I unfortunately played out this subconscious programming well into my 20’s. I had many ‘romantic’ situations where I would devalue myself while oppositely codependent people would use and feed off my need for their validation and attention. In other words, I put up with a lot of being the ‘other’ woman, un-reciprocated love and attention, giving excessive gifts, and lots of waiting for a call or text by the phone. Yea…fun times.
Upon developing an attraction, I would become very clingy, needing to know why the person wasn’t responding or giving me attention like I constantly was.
Even for non-sexual friendships, I would over-give my time and energy often for not getting the same respect or effort in return to the point that I was devaluing myself and allowing myself to be persuaded to do things that did not align with my values.
During most of this time, however, I was mostly consciously aware of the fact that I did not really have time or the mental/emotional capacity for a serious relationship even though when I began to crush on someone I would often start to imagine it transpiring into one.
By my mid 20’s, I was starting to learn some serious life lessons about true friendship and functional vs. dysfunctional relationships. I knew things weren’t working for reasons not completely known to me at the time, and I did not shy away from the deep, introspective questions as they came up.
I had put myself back together fairly well since leaving the toxic household I grew up in. Much of it was due to setting goals and going after them, reflecting in my journal on realizations, struggles, and what else I wanted to accomplish, and talking to friends who listened.
I had started to realize what constituted healthy relationships and healthy friendships. I finally felt ‘ready’ to look for a good long-term romantic match, having done a fair bit of inner work by that point and being done with flings, friends with benefits, and people who, frankly, didn’t really give a sh*t about me and my well-being.
In 2016, I set a goal to, essentially, feel fabulous by June of that year. I had also begun the ‘hunt’ for potential ‘mates’… lol. I had thoughts like: I am really enjoying my own company, I feel pretty great about myself finally, I am the happiest I have ever consciously and consistently been, wouldn’t it be great to share life with someone EQUALLY as awesome, independent, resourceful, ambitious, and adventurous?? Someone JUST LIKE ME.
When I began to get discouraged, a few friends told me things like, don’t worry Bri, you’re super unique so it will take awhile to find someone just as unique as you. Online dating was also suggested to me so I took a stab at OkCupid even though I felt, for myself, that was not going to be how I found someone but I’m very much a “don’t knock it ’till you try it” kind of person.
Four disastrous dates in and I was like you know what, I am just going to have fun this summer and I will meet someone at the neuroscience research lab position I was hoping to get (which seemed to align more with my goals at the time), just in time for fall ‘cuddle weather.’
I must say, the universe is a real jokester sometimes…Not only did I meet someone about 2 weeks after I “let go” of expectation of finding someone but that person happened to be an exact replica of my soul: my twin flame. I mean, I said I wanted someone JUST LIKE ME, right?! The universe likes specifics and specific he was. Mind you, I had no clue about twin flames prior to meeting. About 2 weeks after meeting, I just had to ask Google if what I was experiencing (the INTENSE magnetic attraction, telepathy, etc.) was “normal”…and that’s when all of these articles on twin flames popped up and described EVERYTHING, even certain events and lessons prior to meeting.
Anyway, the whole twin flame thing is another chapter in itself and perhaps I will write an article on this at a later date. The point of mentioning this here is that meeting an exact copy of my soul (we are the same soul in 2 bodies), initiated the next layer of healing and really going into the depths of my soul to uncover all of that negative subconscious programming so that I could re-align with the truth of my soul and align with my purpose.
So, I had already done a bit of journeying back to my soul truth before I met him but just like other spiritual awakenings either induced by meeting a certain person, a traumatic or near-death experience, hallucinogens like ayahuasca, or gradual long-term awakenings, I uncovered more layers of my soul on a deeper (and more excruciating) level.
He is the perfect mirror to my soul so he conversely reflects back to me what I need to work on or other aspects of myself as well as being the MOST EFFICIENT TRIGGER SYSTEM to clear myself of all blockages, because essentially you are battling with yourself and who best knows you than yourself. (Though all triggering is done unknowingly and unintentionally.)
Typically, if someone triggers us, we distance ourselves from that person and don’t get to a point of asking ourselves WHY we are being triggered. We’re just like NOPE, bye! However, in the twin flame connection, pure unconditional love is automatically activated so it almost suddenly just exists between us (being the same soul and all) but ALSO there is no way to get out of this connection so fighting it or trying to get out of it ultimately will do nothing but lead you back to your healing and (eventually your twin) anyway, in an even more excruciating path–trust me when I say excruciating. Pain is what forces us to change. If you are sick of feeling pain anymore, you will ultimately do something to end it and through the twin flame journey (and life), the way to end the pain is to surrender to unconditional love and the universal energy that exists in everything.
I make it sound so simple but it’s incredibly painful and challenging because it is hard to change your subconscious programming and patterns even if you are consciously trying to change them and being away from your “self” is utterly heart-wrenching and often feels like you’re being stabbed in the heart (my TF journey had about 2 years of this gut-wrenching, stabbing heart feeling before I surrendered enough to start embracing it and look within rather than fight it). It’s also difficult to let go of control and our egoic, fear-based energy and, instead, lead with our loving heart-based energy.
A point I want to make is that I was making progress in my healing and the journey back to my ‘self’ prior to the twin flame meeting just by paying attention to signs and working on myself in all the ways I knew how at the time.
Everyone is on their own timeline so don’t worry if you’re older and haven’t “figured it out” yet or if none of this makes sense to you yet, you learn lessons at the pace that your soul is meant to.
If you want to get a deeper level of awakening back to your truth and soul, you don’t have to meet your twin flame. I just happened to be thrown into it which I liken it to a sort of intense, condensed, rapid-fire healing period to get to our “truth” as fast as possible to be able to help humanity as a whole ASAP. (It was actually divinely pre-determined that my soul was to partake in this mission to help humanity but prior to my ascension in consciousness through this journey, I couldn’t really understand all that spiritual mumbo jumbo or deeper understanding.)
Many people go through a gradual awakening over the course of a lifetime. Some, unfortunately, never fully ‘wake up’ to themselves.
To assist with awakening to your truth, you can:
- research topics such as spirituality, awakening, universal consciousness, etc.
- question what you are doing in your own life that is and isn’t working
- ALWAYS listen to your intuition/gut/heart, we have been taught to suppress it and use our logical and ego-driven mind ONLY; balance is good but intuition is crucial.
- go to South America and participate in an ayahuasca ceremony (led by experienced people/shamans)
- QUESTION EVERYTHING
- reflect on your childhood and what negative patterns and limiting beliefs you took on. Are there things you don’t agree on with your parents? In most cases there are and it is a good thing.
- do hypnotherapy and other brain hacking methods to help remove subconscious blockages and change negative programming
- meditate regularly
- get to know yourself by trying new things, traveling, reflecting, remembering what you liked as a kid. Eventually you will be led down a winding path to things that feel like they align more and more with your purpose with every step you take.
- ponder existential questions and know that life here on earth is short so you might as well make the most of it
I must admit I do not have all the answers to the universe (*insert winking smiley here*) so this is not a comprehensive list but a great place to start.
Anyway, I may have some other things come up in the near future left to heal and definitely things to improve upon but, overall, I have given up most of my expectations and fear-based thinking, surrendered to unconditional love and its magnificent healing power, and begun to lovingly embrace the truth of my sarcastic, goofy, & weird-ass soul.*
Now, my mission is to help others do the same =).
I’d also love if you commented below if you liked this article and style of writing or had any qualms with it. I am always learning and deepening my understanding. If you want to know more about a particular topic, feel free to comment that as well.
A Final Note:
*Just to reflect back briefly on this article now that it is approximately a year and a half after I first wrote it, I just want to say HA!!!! I thought I had given up most of my expectations and fear-based thinking and surrendered and all that…yea, I had no idea what the next year would bring… Now, July 2021, though I can finally say that with much more certainty, growth and enlightenment is a never-ending process.
Besides that, however, the article stands as strong as ever. In fact, almost surprisingly so given the many transformations and understandings undertaken on this journey.
If you have any questions or feedback, I’d love to hear from you at bri@lovebri.co.
Peace & Love,
Bri
