Huachuma & The Watermelon Guilt: A Psychedelic Story

This is a story about my experience healing feelings of guilt, self-doubt, shame, and un-deservingness, and learning how to allow myself to enjoy what has been given to me all with a little help from a friend named Huachuma.

Huachuma is also known as the San Pedro Cactus and it is a psychedelic in the form of mescaline. It is known to help open the heart.

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I had just come back to the retreat area from the first half of an intense huachuma journey into the jungle and finally felt able to stomach something. I hadn’t eaten much for days as the Ayahuasca ceremonies and my subsequent physical reactions hadn’t allowed for much of that. 

The only thing I desired in that moment was fruit and there just so happened to be watermelon available. I was elated. It was an entire quarter of a huge juicy ass watermelon. 

As soon as I sat down, I began devouring it. I had one piece. Then another, and, looking around and seeing as no one seemed to be remotely interested in it, still another. Now, there were only 2 pieces left of this huge quarter of a watermelon (including the piece left in the fridge).

I asked if I could have another. It was given to me with no hesitation. The director even said several times, “It’s for you!” (Which I took to mean mainly for me and the only other participant who was nowhere in sight).

And then, I started to feel so confused. Was I wrong for eating so much of it even though I wanted it and it was the only thing I felt I could eat? Was I taking away from others? (even though those around me were happily eating the actual meal that was provided with no one gravitating towards the watermelon).

That’s when the waves of guilt started washing over me, as if I had done something horrible. 

All I had done was asked for what I wanted and received it but I just couldn’t seem to enjoy it without feeling guilty. I just couldn’t possibly believe that I could have it.

Then the floodgates opened. I cried so much, practically drowning my watermelon (😂). I didn’t realize in that moment just how much the feelings of unworthiness and not feeling deserving of it were tied into that. 

Fortunately, the curandero (shaman) gave some reassurance by explaining that certain foods can bring up trauma/memories while on huachuma and it was in that moment that I realized I had so many memories of eating watermelon with my family as a kid. It had brought me straight back to all of the shame and guilt and confusion I often felt as a kid, always made to feel like I was doing something wrong or that I wasn’t doing enough.

As I sat there processing everything, the others started to trickle out. And my new friend (who was a volunteer there) thankfully stayed around and talked through some of it with me while more waves of tears came pouring out. 

Eventually, she asked me if I wanted her to bring me the last piece of the watermelon from the fridge.

And BAM, that sent me into it again. 

I literally sat there grappling with myself if I should or shouldn’t have it. Trying to convince myself that I was fine and didn’t need any more. I am not sure how much time passed. 

Meanwhile, she had left the dining cabin saying if I want it to just let her know.

I sat there. I stood up, then sat back down. I got up again and almost got outside. Then hesitated.

Then, finally, I walked outside and saw her nowhere in sight so I walked to the kitchen hut and was met with the curandero. I took a breath and declared to him that I wanted the last piece of the watermelon.

And the curandero smiled, grabbed it out of the fridge, and said “enjoy it, this time.”

And I took it and walked out to the dock by the crocodile lake. I sat myself down on the edge with my feet dangling over the water.

And I pondered over what the hell had just happened that day, as I ate the f**k out of that watermelon, piece by piece. 

I let it drip everywhere, I let the seeds fall wherever, I let myself fully enjoy it. 

And just as the sun was setting over the horizon, I took the last bite and I tossed the core into the crocodile lake.

I couldn’t help but notice, though, that things felt unfinished. I was still left unsettled and grappling with what had just occurred.

Little did I realize at the time that it was just another layer of work I had done around allowing myself to receive and enjoy without guilt. 

And, boy, did my wounds of feeling guilty resurface during my second journey with huachuma, several months later.

Only after that second journey occurred did clarity come on a deeper level regarding the watermelon experience.

Moral of the story?

F*ck guilty pleasures. The words guilt and pleasure have no business being anywhere near each other. (Unless you actually take pleasure in hurting another being, in which case, that’s f**ked up, you most probably should feel guilty, and I suggest you start healing that shit. I digress..)

I was made to feel bad or selfish for almost every decision I made as a kid, which led to constantly questioning myself, especially with others around, out of fear that I won’t get “love” or “approval” or “acceptance” if I do something wrong. Fearing rejection with every move I made.

The universe is abundant and will help you co-create your desires into existence. And you have every right to enjoy that which has been given, without feeling “bad.”

Learnings from my experiences are still continuing to sink in and I am desiring to dive even deeper into clearing all of this wounding but perhaps ‘Briana vs. Huachuma: Round 2’ is a story is for another day.

I’m just grateful I am another layer closer to undoing that conditioning and another step closer to living more freely.

As always, thank you for reading.

Love,

Bri

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