Ayahuasca ceremony 10/15/22: I am everything and so much more.

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I just had one of my most incredible Ayahuasca ceremonies to date.

Oof. It was INTENSE.

Like too many of us, I have dealt with deep unworthiness for as long as I can remember. 

I eventually realized on a conscious level that we are worthy just for existing. We are just as worthy as a rock or a tree that doesn’t question its worth or act out of insecurity. 

There was still just something I wasn’t seeing. I wasn’t seeing what I bring to this world. I wasn’t seeing the true value I hold, just for existing. There was a deeper knowing I wasn’t grasping. Something just wasn’t sinking in on a cellular level since every day I was still bogged down with so much self doubt. I was still not trusting the very essence I am made of.

The stars aligned and it was time to ask the wise plant, Grandmother Ayahuasca, to show me what my two eyes were not letting me see, what my limited mind could not logic.

My intention was to see the light inside of me…and holy f**k did it take me there.

The whole universe is inside of me. Inside all of us. Inside everything. We ARE the universe. We are the universe in moving form, with the ability to witness it while at the same time being a part of it. It is a fantastical, magical, incredible co-creation of all particles that exist, all the energy. 

I saw that messiness is not only welcome but juicier, more exciting than some idea of “perfection.” For so long I hid my messiness, my imperfections, anywhere I believed to be “falling short”, anything I could possibly be ridiculed for or not taken seriously. 

The light inside of us is everything all at once. Messy, unfathomable, multifaceted, incomprehensible, infinite, and cannot be reduced to an “identity”, a name, a word.

My light is bright AF. And I saw that I’ve been hiding it away and keeping that door shut.

I saw all the brightness and everything I visualized the universe to be, a vibrating technicolor psychedelic disco is the best way I can describe it (my visions were more vivid and intense than ever before). It was showing me how unfathomably magical everything is. I could barely comprehend it, I even saw my mind being blown to pieces. And, just as I had begun to enjoy it, I saw everything get suddenly dim and then a small door shut all that wondrous bright magical light out completely. 

What a clear freaking visual. 

I was left in complete darkness with an icky feeling I couldn’t quite place.

Until I realized that it was me who had been shutting the door on my own magnificence. It was me who had been wearing a mask, hiding away my light. Hiding away the magnificence of the universe that was trying to explode from inside me.

And I suddenly realized the blanket of dullness I’ve been burying it with has been HEAVY. I had been carrying around this mask, this façade, that was getting harder and harder to uphold. No wonder I had become so fatigued. Keeping all that hidden away has been exhausting. Not trusting that I am, that my being is, a valuable asset to this world and not trusting that I am enough just as I am. That is what has been draining my life force. 

I saw that I had been so afraid of that light. Afraid of letting it out and letting it loose. What if it got out of control? What if it was too messy? Too “imperfect”? Somehow not up to par? It was too much to handle. It was unsafe. No, I had to control it, keep it boxed in, only show what I wanted to be seen. I couldn’t possibly trust such an unreasonable, illogical, wild, untamed, multi-dimensional, everchanging, intangible, formless thing.

And I couldn’t DARE outshine others, let alone BRAG or be proud of my essence and what I have to share.

And I couldn’t DARE outshine others, let alone BRAG or be proud of my essence and what I have to share.

No, that was unsafe too. 

As this process continued, Grandmother Ayahuasca showed me that we are all here to brag. Because we are all incredible pieces of art. We all have a unique way of being an expression of the universe in human form. And it’s all fucking PERFECT. And not only that but it is most welcome. It is actually our fucking DUTY to express ourselves, our essence. It is literally the only thing we are here to do. Our intuition guides us and we use our mind and body to take the steps.

Our duty is to just be, in whatever way that is. Being is letting our intuition guide us on the path of expressing the universe in human form. The idea is to be totally and utterly free. Free of all illusory constraints, made-up stories, and the suffering caused by our mental prisons. And when we fully let go and surrender to our inner knowing, unimaginable magic happens. Things and experiences beyond our wildest dreams come into our reality.

We are here to co-create with the universe and other life forms and energy bodies to dance in the intricate interconnected field of energy, the infinite aether. 

And now, allow me to present some brags regarding my very own unique expression of the universe, in this body in this time on Earth, just as I AM:

I am a multidimensional, multifaceted, deeply spiritual, extremely deep thinking being.

I am an artist, a dancer, a writer, a speaker. A cook, a painter, a designer, an organizer.

I am a wise, old soul.

I am a creatrix.

I love fixing, recreating, and improving.

I run, I dance, I do jiu jitsu. I swim. I surf. I sing. I craft. I teach. I travel.

I care. I love. I share. I serve. 

I understand. I misunderstand. 

I try. I mess up. 

I try. I succeed. 

I communicate. I miscommunicate.

I believe and I doubt.

I’m self sufficient, skilled, talented, competitive, linguistically gifted, adventurous, and passionate AF.

I am both extroverted AND introverted (and ain’t none of y’all gonna convince me a personality test can accurately describe me).

I am deeply connected to the jungle. I love neon colors. I’m captivated by aesthetics.

I have premonitions, vivid dreams, visions. I’m highly intuitive (which I have been severely under-appreciating). I get knowings, feelings, downloads. I’m highly telepathic and am constantly communicating telepathically with humans, animals, and plants. And, yet, I still am learning to harness and trust these gifts.

I have grand visions of our planet, of humanity. I can put the unfathomable together in a way that makes sense to the human mind. I can make far reaching yet sound connections about existence and our universe. I love pondering consciousness and the mysteries of the universe. I prophesize, philosophize, hypothesize, theorize. I have endless unanswered, and often unanswerable questions.

I feel like I am in a never ending existential crisis and yet I can also have feelings of having “figured things out.” I am in a constant ebb and flow between holding on and surrender.

I go through confusion and I go through deep knowing. I have a love-“hate” relationship with my multi-passionate, multidimensional nature. It complicates things and yet brings unimaginable freedom.

I can meet my darkness and alchemize it into gold. I can sit with discomfort and transmute it into power. I can ponder death and realize why I am alive.

I am an anomaly. I am unique. Deep. Infinite. Complex.

And I am also the same in so many ways, as part of the same universe. All in one and one in all.

I am water, fire, earth, and air. I am spirit.

I am human. I am alien. 

I am messy. I am weird AF. 

Some say I’m random. Some say I’m predictable. I say I’m all of it.

I AM the love. I AM the universe. 

AND SO ARE YOU ❤️

I invite you to make your own list of brags, and nothing is too small or insignificant to include.

None of those things are good or bad. They just ARE. So let’s stop judging, fearing, and rejecting them.

It’s time for us to stop hiding, time to stop playing small, letting the fear side of our inseparable, and in many ways incredibly useful, minds win. 

We can’t get rid of the mind so we might as well make it our best friend and our most supportive accomplice.

The idea is to use the mind consciously to elevate our human form into seeing the light, embodying the light, without those mind-made limitations. To pause the incessant stream of mental bullshit long enough to feel the expanse of who we really are. And who we really are is the formless, unending, inexplicable, nameless, ethereal energy from which all is possible. Pure unconditional love. 

We ARE the light.

Each of us wondrous souls is nothing more, nothing less than the entire universe.

Let us all fully embrace the universe inside.

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So the question is… how could I possibly feel unworthy after an experience like that??

This fresh, deeper awareness has been taking time to sink into my subconscious. It’s been a whole lot of reprogramming happening over here.

As I finish this post, I realize today is a month to the day that I have been in deep integration since this profound experience. I  was immediately met with challenging lessons to put these new learnings into practice and I can definitely feel that things are sinking in. I sure as hell can’t unsee and unfeel those reality-bending visions and feelings I experienced in the ceremony.

What I am finding is that I am finally learning to trust myself more than ever. While it is a work in progress, I am learning to trust my own decisions, my own beingness, my own intuition and that feels liberating, expansive, and empowering AF. 

I am a masterpiece in the making. Unfinished, unending, messy, untamed. And, even though my mind wants to fight me on it at times, I am finally becoming ok with that. 

Thank you so much for reading.

Love,

Bri

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Connect with me further on IG at @iambrianasalik ;*

Check out my article on self worth and achievement.

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